Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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