then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
