my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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