I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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