you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
