I didn't shave. On purpose
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
