Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
