I wish life had little blips of pornography
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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