I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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