My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
