After last night, I could never be a politician.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
