xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
