If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
