remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
