I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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