I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
