I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Randomize
