cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
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At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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