How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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