I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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