Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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