i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
