I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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