I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
