someone threw a dead crab at me
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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