she woke up with a sticky ear
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
