hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
