So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
