we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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