Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
