Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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