When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Who died my cat blue again?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
