At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
