I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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