Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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