I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
