Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
