Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
