she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
