I don't usually arrange sex via text message
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
