I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
