I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
