Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
