Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
