I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
