How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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