you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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