And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
