Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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