Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
