Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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