We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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