It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
