My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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