Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
