i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
