haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
