you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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