I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
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Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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