You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
