my mouth tastes like poor choices
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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