when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
