I was born with a shot glass in my hand
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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